Mascot Madness
As some of you know each year a few of my friends and I enter a bracket of mascot picks in the NCAA tournament. These picks are generally terrible, but they’re great fun to discuss and they give you something to cheer for once your own sorry picks have been eliminated.
The basic rule is who would emerge victorious if these two mascots fought. Over the years we’ve added several guidelines to help us decide. For example colors (Syracuse Orange), are beat by nuts (Ohio St. Buckeyes), are beat by animals (Louisville Cardinals), are beat by humans (UNC Tarheels), are beat by predatory animals (Kentucky Wildcats), are beat by armed humans (Xavier Musketeers), are beat by forces of nature (Tulsa Golden Hurricane), are beat by angelic or demonic forces (Duke Blue Devils). Adding a color in front of your name gives you special powers. For example a Golden Gopher is much tougher than a regular gopher and could take out a human under the right circumstances. Also, who you choose as a mascot matters. The Texas A&M Aggies have a collie as a mascot whereas the Utah State Aggies are called Big Blue and have a giant ox (think Babe the blue ox) as their mascot. No contest who would win there.
This years final is predicted as ASU Sun Devils 66 over Cal Golden Bears 65. Cal gets big points for having a golden bear and a mascot (Oski) who is another name for the Norse god Odin. Hard to argue with a colored predatory animal named after a Norse god. Some of the more “interesting” debates we had are summarized below.
EDIT: Full set of mascot picks here if anyone wants to argue
A lot of debate centered around the Tennessee Volunteers and how well armed they were. We had them beating Cowboys, Buccaneers, and Musketeers (a close set of matchups) before ultimately falling to Blue Devils.
The Radford Highlanders threw us for a loop until we discovered their mascot puts them more in the mundane kilted drinker category rather than being like Connor MacLeod.
The West Virginia Mountaineers also caused a long debate about whether they could beat the Robert Morris Colonials. Both are armed humans but the deciding factor was that the Colonials mascot is named RoMo and the university features a national championship caliber bowling team. I’ll take Mountaineers over East Coast bowlers any day.
Huskies versus Moccasins caused some confusion with a friend until we pointed out that moccasins were snakes in this case and not shoes. Clearly a puppy eats a shoe, but a venomous snake is another matter altogether.
Purdue Boilermakers versus Northern Iowa Panthers. Much debate about how heavily armed the steelworker is. The mascot generally carries a sledgehammer and works on a railroad. Ultimately this was settled by picturing the steelworker having a few beers with his buddies after work and wandering home where a panther was waiting in the living room. Panther wins.
As usual Blue Devils, Sun Devils, Demon Deacons, and Golden Bears did well in making up the final four. It’s not that unreasonable, right?
Posted: March 16th, 2009 under Brian, Friends.
Comments: 6
Comments
Comment from Wayne
Time: March 16, 2009, 2:38 pm
LOL!
That’s way more involved than what I was familiar with, what with the colors giving special powers and all.
I’d be interested to see your bracket. 
Comment from brian
Time: March 16, 2009, 4:47 pm
Okie doke! Updated article to include a link to the picks as well.
Comment from Wayne
Time: March 16, 2009, 11:01 pm
Thanks! Now all is revealed…
What exactly are Hilltoppers? You seem to have Western Kentucky going pretty far.
The Tar Heels present a dilemma depending on which version of the origin of the name you use. On the one hand is the story that North Carolina soldiers (Revolutionary War? Civil War?) fought so tenaciously it was like they had tar on their heels. On the other hand is the story that much of the tar, pitch, etc. used in colonial times (to make boats waterproof and such) came from North Carolina, so the workers there were called Tar Heels. I suppose this is all rendered moot considering UNC’s physical mascot is a ram.
Too bad CSU Northridge (Matadors) isn’t playing Texas (Longhorns)!
Of course, your analysis means that Penn will never, ever win a tournament game. After all, their mascot is the Quakers.
Comment from brian
Time: March 16, 2009, 11:24 pm
I always confuse Hilltoppers with Mountaineers and think they’re armed. I guess I just assume all of Appalachia is armed, but in this case it’s just people living on top of a hill. One could argue that by virtue of smart treaty signing and tuberculosis the Illini lose to Hilltoppers, but this is steel cage grudge match style. Basically the Illini become the armed human out of that bracket eventually losing to a Sun Devil.
We dislike UNC and their baby blue ram mascot definitely played a part in our decision. Since this is a family blog I won’t share all the discussions about why Highlanders beat Tar Heels, but let’s say we have good reasons.
CSU Northridge did give us a chuckle and we made the same longhorn joke. In our scenario we pictured the matador waving his red cape furiously, but when the gates open instead of a hamstrung bull a tiger appears. Memphis moves on!
Oh, and Penn does beat Syracuse, Ohio State, and Stanford I believe. There are also some draws like Quakers vs. Friars which lead to heated arguments when they occur.
Comment from Wayne
Time: March 17, 2009, 1:36 am
I still think an insane tree, a guy with a huge orange head, or even a nut could beat the guy on the Quaker oats box! 😉
On the topic of Appalachia being armed…Malcolm Gladwell has an interesting bit in his new book, “Outliers,” about the Hatfields and McCoys and why there are bitter feuds in that part of the country. Basically, most of the original settlers in Appalachia were…Scottish highlanders! The moved from one area of abysmal land for farming (Scotland) to another (Appalachia) and brought their clan culture with them–you fought to the death to protect your family and their honor. There can be only one!
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Time: March 21, 2009, 10:51 am
[…] Food and health are two topics that are very important to me. Over the past century I believe the average person has lost track of how food is produced and consumed in this country. By losing track of this process I believe we’ve become dependent on large businesses to feed us to the detriment of our individual health and welfare. This is why I’m writing a serious post this morning rather than my normal “look at where we hiked” or “does an armed Scotsman defeat a hillbilly in one-on-one combat.” […]
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